Last week on The Wayne Infect

It's been a while since I wrote anything, due to my moving and newfound business. I wish I could pretend like anyone cared about what I write enough to miss it, though. It's rough moving and having to face the fact that you're going to be here for a very long time. Everything tastes just a little more bitter when you squeeze the lemon of long-term commitment onto the candy of a life with someone you love. It's probably nothing now compared to how it could have been or could be later, but I learned that when you raise the stakes you should play your cards smarter. I am finding out that small jokes that used to be meaningless and flirtatious now have potentially dangerous insinuations. And the mood of any given day is pivoting on vocal inflection, facial expression, and, most importantly, timing. It's also probably best to avoid talking about how long it's been since you've really fought. You're just asking for trouble. None of this is to say that I'm miserable here. In fact, I'm enjoying myself a lot. One of the best parts about living here is that I get to really be free from the familial fetters that have long restrained my personality and I really feel I'm at liberty to show my inner self. I guess, here, I have no inner self, since it's all out there in the open. And that... is very liberating. When people respond positively to me and what I say or do, it's a high unlike anything else. It is the most genuine feeling in the world to be liked by people who have never met you before right then and don't know what family you came from. All they can see is what you show them. Apparently, I'm a generally likable person by myself. I don't think I'm really popular, but I try to lighten things when I'm around and it seems to work for the most part. (note: do not attempt to lighten things at the climax of a dramatic movie or when having something called a "serious talk"... also, if you're having a "serious" anything while you're driving, don't touch the radio, even if your favorite song is playing too low for you to enjoy it... this might be considered a faux pas) Besides all of this though, my fiancee really seems to be proud of me for doing the things that I've been doing and that is also one of the greatest feelings you can ever enjoy... to be respected and admired by someone else as much as you respect and admire her. I always want to make her happy because that, by itself, is a great reward.

I saw the Return of the King this past week. Such a great ending to a great series. But, I would have liked to see the death scene that got cut because of time (it was already 3½ hours... what's another 7 minutes?) Also, the could have chopped some part of the ending out... man, that was long. They could have ended it in about 6 different places. While the ending was building to the real ending, I kept running through my head all the ways Hollywood could have screwed up such a great movie. Example: Sam comes home to get married, and I thought Frodo could have been his best man... then, when the preacher asks, "May I please have the ring?" Sam looks at Frodo and Frodo looks back at him, then they both go, "Not again!" and start laughing. Freeze frame, fade to credits and some Three Doors Down song. I must have thought up 3 different crappy endings while I completely missed the real one. I was laughing pretty hard, though.

Somehow, probably a result of our conversation at the Magic Wok, I ended up sitting down to watch Mona Lisa Smile. I knew long before the movie was ever released that I wasn't going to enjoy it. I don't know when I first began openly hating Julia Roberts, but I've always been sure of it in my mind. If I were more famous, I'd love to make a huge issue of it, and maybe it could be my personal beef, as I've always wanted to have one. I can say there isn't one thing about her that I really enjoy. Like a female Tom Cruise, she's famous without a cause (then again, who isn't?) and doesn't seem to mind flaunting that at every given opportunity. The fact that the leading cast was entirely female, piled on top the obvious implications of the trailer I'd been treated to at least three times previous, let me know that if Julia Roberts couldn't sink this ship singlehandedly, she had a lot of thinly veiled plot points and Julia Stiles (you guessed it, not a fan) to assist her. Don't get me wrong, I payed attention to the movie and picked up on the subtle counterpoints as well. But it wasn't enough to dig me out of my deep whole of pre-movie prejudice, solidified by a 95% female audience who watched along with me (and shot me a looks when I mocked the movie as usual to Em). To top it all off, the contraband Snickers® Crunchers Pop'ables we picked up at the grocery store wasn't the right kind (it was supposed to be regular Snickers®... the Crunchers have this hard caramel brittle-like center). Apparently, Raisinets® are in short supply this time of year. I'm hoping she'll make good on her promise to see Stuck on You with me soon. At least then I can see Greg Kinnear and know that the Farrelly Brothers will keep me as entertained I want to be.

Oh, and if you don't like these links I added, bite me.